Sunday, December 25, 2005

So, this is Christmas?

Driven by the “Wow, it’s not just me!” factor (thank you Laurie), here is my gut dumping post. I’m not feeling it this year… pretty much it’s just soul crushing sadness. I’ve been trying to fake it until I make it, but it’s just not happening. Sure, the trees and the lights are up, everyone got presents, I even made a wonderful dinner last night.

I keep trying to work through all the little things that are bothering me, but as I’m doing that, I wonder if I wasn’t so sad, would it be bothering me at all? Does my job really suck the life out of me? Am I really upset that my company is cutting benefits? Do I really hate living here? Am I really homesick? Do I really miss my best friend that much (well, this one is real…silly girl had to up and move to South Carolina… I mean really… didn’t she know I’d need her and she’d need me… phone calls just aren’t the same. Do you know how hard it is to find a true friend, who knows you inside and out…all the ugliness and wonderfulness that makes you who you are?)

I know what started it all, hearing from my daughter. It brought all the guilt, shame and sadness rolling back in. I tell myself, she wouldn’t be the wonderful person she is and she wouldn’t have had all of the opportunities she had if I had kept her. I was such a mess back then. But I have always missed her, always felt like a part of me was ripped away. Even though family members adopted her, they never let me see her or have pictures – despite all their promises. They even went so far as to essentially disown my mother and cut her out of my daughter’s life … because she still had contact with me. I (and this is my mom’s sister and parents). Yeah, I went to therapy, I thought I had dealt with it. Apparently not, I just filed it away for later use.

So, this is my Christmas. I want to embrace my alcoholic genes, crawl into bed with a bottle or two of Asti or maybe a pitcher of white Russians and not come out until next year. But life must go on, right? So I’ll have this little cry fest, put on my big girl panties and deal with it.

So I leave you with some pictures:
The yarn goodness that didn't drag me out of the funk... maybe if I roll around naked in it? Or not... since blogger won't upload them


Blogger Noeysmommy said...

I just want to send you a big HUG!

7:37 AM  

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