Comedy Relief

Yes, I have made the "Essential things you need the moment you break your arm" list. I may add more items as situations arise.

1. If it’s cold outside – get a pair of mittens. Your fat, swollen fingers aren’t going to fit in a glove. Trust me. And you’re going to need them since your hand is always going to feel about 20 degrees cooler than the rest of your body - more when you ice your arm down after working it out. Alternatively, I’ve found that an oven mitt will work in a pinch.

2. Plastic flossers/pick things. Have you tried to floss your teeth with one hand? Yeah, those are lifesavers.

3. While on the subject of oral hygiene, get an electric toothbrush. I finally broke down and got one because brushing left handed just wasn’t getting them clean enough. The toothbrush does all the work and my teeth have never felt cleaner.

4. and 5. A subscription to netflix and jigsaw puzzles. If you normally do anything with your hands, like…for example…something like… I don’t know… knitting – you will go out of your mind with boredom. You don’t have to go to the video store with hordes of people who seem to be blind and for some reason can’t see the enormous cast on your arm and consequently bump into you. Bonus, if you end up falling asleep constantly from the pain killers – no late fees. The jigsaw puzzles will give you something to do with your hand. Just don’t get 1000-piece puzzles. You will not be able to reach the middle.

6. Elastic-waisted pants, one size bigger than you normally wear. Yeah, they’re not that fashionable, but trust me on this one. Go ahead; spend the $5 at Walmart. I only had one pair of pants that didn’t have a zipper - you can’t do a zipper one handed. The larger size just makes it easier to get them up and down by yourself. Believe me, you don’t want to be stuck in a public bathroom and have to get your cell phone out to call the person you’re with to help you pull your pants up. I’m just sayin’. I refuse to confirm or deny that this is based on actual events.

7. A pair of shoes that you can slide into. I like those canvas ones with no back -again, $2.99 at Walmart. For me, these two items go together. Maybe I’m starting to show my age, but unless you’re a mother with a sick, screaming child or your partner has almost amputated his or her finger, going to the grocery store or pharmacy in your character print jammies and fuzzy slippers is not acceptable.

8. Deep plastic containers – you know like the medium size ones you can get at the deli. If you break your dominant hand, you can’t eat a lot of foods from a plate or a bowl. Try chasing pork fried rice around a plate a few times or eating cereal out of a bowl…you’ll convert. I’ve been getting a ton of “you’re loosing weight comments” Umm, yeah…I can’t get the food to my mouth. Half for me, half for the eager dogs at my feet. You will also learn that almost anything can be eaten with a soup spoon.

9. Some one who loves you enough to shave where you can’t reach.